Cyrus Welland

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Written by: Cyrus Welland

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Reviewed by: Porse

Name’s Cyrus. I Don’t Bet Hundreds. Never Did

You know that moment—you open some shiny online casino, your mouse hovers over “Deposit,” and your brain just goes, “Don’t be a dumb**.” Yeah. That’s where I live. That’s home base.

I’m Cyrus Welland, and I’ve made a little side career out of playing smart when you’re broke. Or just frugal. Or just allergic to blowing money on flashy “VIP” bullsh*t that no one asked for.

I’m not a whale. I’m not trying to double mortgage the house for some mega spin. I’m the guy playing $1 hands, milking 10 free spins, and—on a good day—buying myself a craft beer with the winnings. That’s my happy place.

From Economics Lectures to Budget-Slot Grinding: A Tragic Origin Story

  1. I’m a fresh econ student at the University of Waikato. I’m thinking: “Alright, I’ll become a finance bro. Maybe get a cubicle. Wear one of those blue shirts with the stripes.”

Spoiler: Didn’t happen.

Instead, somewhere between my third lecture on macro and my 12th instant noodle dinner, I fell face-first into the online gambling world. Not because I was chasing some jackpot. Nah. I was chasing the math. I wanted to know how the system worked.

Then came 2019. Some shady affiliate site was hiring casino testers. The pay? Trash. The perks? Free spins and the chance to actually test if these casinos were honest—or, you know, just shiny scams. I took the gig.

That’s how it started. Slot machines, bonus hunting, promo codes, broken terms & conditions, 4 a.m. test sessions on barely-functioning mobile sites. Wild ride.

I Started Writing in 2021. And I Never Shut Up Since

First, I wrote boring stuff. “Welcome bonus: 100%, T&Cs apply.” Kill me. Then I said, f*** it. If I’m gonna write, I’ll write how I talk. Direct. Slightly pissed off. Occasionally dumb. But real.

Now, you’ll find me on CasinoNZInfo, and—if you’re reading this—here on Porse.co.nz, where they actually let me say what I want. Which is rare. Trust me.

Budget Gambling Isn’t Sad. It’s a Goddamn Strategy.

Here’s the thing most people get wrong: playing with small money doesn’t mean you’re broke. (Although, let’s be honest, I usually am.) It means you’ve got discipline. You’ve got tactics. You’ve got nothing to prove.

This whole world of minimum deposits and micro-bonuses? It’s not a side hustle. It’s an art form.

Here’s what I live for:

  • $1 deposits. If a casino lets you play with a single Kiwi dollar, I’m already listening. Because that’s the lowest risk way to get in the game.
  • Wager-free free spins. Unicorns? Kinda. But I’ve seen ’em. And when you do, you grab them and don’t ask questions.
  • Tiny welcome bonuses with tiny wagering. Screw the $1,000 match with a 70x wager. Give me $10 I can actually cash out.

True Story: I Turned $2 Into $284. Then Bought Fancy Beer.

This isn’t a humblebrag. Okay, it is. But still—real story.

Early 2022. I was testing some weird-looking offshore casino. They had this $2 deposit deal for 20 free spins on a pirate-themed slot that looked like it was made in 2006. I laughed. But I deposited. Fifth spin—bonus game. I roll my eyes. Ten spins later: $284 in my balance.

I closed my laptop, walked to the liquor store, and bought something imported and Belgian. Tasted like sweet, sweet validation.

The “Don’t Be an Idiot” Mini-Guide (From Me to You)

If you’re new to this and don’t want to flush your bank account, here’s my no-BS guide to not being a moron:

  1. Ignore big shiny numbers. “GET $2,000 BONUS!” = run. That thing probably comes with a wagering requirement that would make your ancestors cry.
  2. Always, always, always read the T&Cs. Not sexy. But essential.
  3. Break up the welcome pack. Don’t go all-in on the first deposit. Stretch it. Casinos love to trick you with fine print on the second and third.
  4. Play the demo first. Better to test your luck with fake coins than rage-quit at 2 a.m. with a $40 hole in your soul.
  5. If it stops being fun, log off. The moment you’re “chasing losses,” you’re done. Slam the laptop shut. Go outside. Touch grass. Eat chips.

Why I Still Write? Because I’m Sick of Watching People Get F*ed

I’ve seen it too many times. Some kid dumps his rent money on a bonus he doesn’t understand. Some middle-aged dude reloads ten times on a site that never even pays out. I’ve been that guy. So now I just tell people how not to suck at gambling.

That’s all I’ve got. No “masterclass,” no BS TikTok strategies. Just honest reviews, brutal guides, and whatever cursed bonus I found last week.

Tomorrow I’ll Deposit Another $1. Maybe Win. Maybe Not

That’s the life. I’m not chasing yachts. I’m chasing that little dopamine spark when a bonus round hits and you suddenly go, “Wait, did I just win $22?? Hell yeah.”

And if I lose? Cool. I’ll write about it. So you don’t make the same mistake.

We’re not here for jackpots. We’re here for joy. The low-budget kind. The good kind. Catch you in the next slot review.

Cyrus Welland

Cyrus Welland

Hey. Name’s Cyrus. Just some guy who lost too much money chasing “generous” casino bonuses before realizing most of them were shinier than they were fair.